From Codependent to Independent

by Guy Finley

Have you ever wondered why it is that, with so many people calling out the need to make positive changes in their lives, so very little actually changes? This fact is fairly evident: What isn’t so obvious is the reason for this strange contradiction in our human condition. The truth is that most of us never effect any real changes in our lives because of a very common mistake: By and large, we each stand convinced that what needs changing is:

1. The person we live with.

2. The conditions we work under.

3. The masses of uninformed people around us who just don’t “get it.”

4. Something we see as being beyond our power to change

5. All of the above (or you fill in the blank).

But all of us have already made — or have struggled to make — hundreds of such changes only to realize that nothing real has changed in our lives except our own rising levels of frustration over what we would see changed. Yet, as strange as it seems, it is just this realization of our not having progressed anywhere that is a required leg in our journey to real self-change. Why must this disappointment come to us and seem to darken our lives?

codependent

It is only as we see the ineffectiveness of our past actions that it becomes possible for a new
understanding to dawn in us. The unwanted darkness is really a messenger of Light. How can this be? Look closely. In this instance what has now been made clear beyond question is the following true revelation: We are the world that must change. If you have reached this pivotal point of self-discovery in your journey to wholeness, then all of the friendly facts that follow will be the same as welcome news to you. Forthcoming are many healing insights to help you increase your understanding that we need not continue hurting ourselves or one another for any reason. To help set the stage for the arrival of this higher self-understanding, and the freedom it brings with it, I want to tell you a true story to make a vital point about the self-victory just ahead.

One day as I was sitting in my home, I became aware of an irritating buzzing sound. I soon realized that a fly that had become trapped inside was furiously trying to escape. This poor creature kept banging into the window, shaking its little fly head, and then flying into the window again. It battered itself against the window like this for at least ten minutes more until I couldn’t ignore the condition any longer. As I sat there watching this futile battle draw on — between the fly’s will and the unwilling window that it could neither break through nor understand — it occurred to me that this common, everyday event contained a kind of celestial, heavenly message; there was a lesson in it concerning the secret nature of addiction and codependency. Let’s look at it together.

First we must ask why was this intrepid fly beating itself into the window? If the answer isn’t clear, you may be assured that this tiny creature wanted to get outside. But why does a fly want to get outside? I know this may sound silly at first, but even a fly has a destiny and is actually compelled to seek it. To what end? It wants to fulfill the purpose of its little fly life. Key for us to see here is that this fly did not create its own purpose. It was created within him. This brings us to our next necessary insight in our study of addiction and codependency. As obvious as this may be, the only way that a fly can fulfill its purpose in this life is through being free. Surely you have witnessed this next fact of life: Within this creature — within all creatures — is the longing to be free. This longing to be free is the expression of its need to do what it was put on earth to do.

Yoga woman meditating and making a zen symbol with her hand

You and I feel the exact same longing. Not a heartbeat passes through us that does not possess this silent call to be free; while at the same time hardly a day goes by where we don’t crash headlong into some invisible barrier that seems to stand between us and fulfilling what we see as being our destiny. Even when we get beaten down by running into life’s window panes so many times that we’re not even sure what we’re doing anymore, something keeps picking us up, saying “Freedom!” And it keeps crying out “freedom” because it knows that the only way any of us can fulfill our God-given destiny is for us to be free. This fact delivers us to the door of our next key insight: We long to be free because we can’t grow without freedom. Yes, that is correct: None of us can really grow without freedom. Within every human being there exists that special nature that wants to grow in ever-higher expressions of its Self.

It is one of the great paradoxes in this life that we are created to grow into that which we were meant to become from the beginning. We are created to grow into the Wisdom, Understanding, and Love whose own awakening in us begins to do for us the very thing we’ve been unable to do for ourselves: Reveal to us our own spiritual wholeness and in this, by this — set us free.

Nothing can stand in the way of this fulfillment of our soul, nothing except one thing: the undetected actions of our own unconscious self; a “dark” nature that tricks us into thinking it wants the same freedom we do. But the true nature of this undiscovered self is that it actually produces the very obstacles within us that prohibit our ability to grow and go free. A moment of reflection and honest self-examination provides us with all the evidence we need to realize the truth of this level of our present consciousness. Our lives are extremely intricate creations. Their “interior structure” rises up out of a vast series of mandatory lessons and experiences through which — by the Grace of God’s help — we are gradually increased in wisdom, strength, contentment, and compassion.

If we look back upon these times of inner development, we see that each moment where we grew wiser also came “packaged” with a wonderful sense of relief. By this I mean that one of the true pleasures in outgrowing one’s own limitations isn’t just knowing that we have been released, but is in our unequivocal discovery that all that had stood in our way was what we had been unable to see about ourselves. So, even though in times of growth like this we might feel and say, “Oh yes, I like this new freedom,” the fact is that a major part of this higher pleasure is our realization that there is nothing outside of us — nothing outside of what we have yet to learn about ourselves — that is the cause of our captivity. Now we begin to wake up, to see the actual nature of the windowpane we have been plowing into. It is within us.

15 Stepping Stones toward Self-Freedom.

Ponder the following small set of truths until you can see their promise of new ways to empower your wish to be spiritually free. Do this and soon their power will be a part of your newly won freedom.

1. No negative spirit of any kind may remain as a negative influence in the mind that is awake to its presence.

2. Higher spiritual energies are always present, but because our present nature cannot rightly receive their impressions they are like rocket fuel being poured into a diesel engine.

3. No real lesson in life becomes our understanding until we discover the fact that all of our exterior life lessons are the secret reflections of an undetected interior imbalance in us. These lessons exist — are brought about — to help temper our soul’s character.

4. There are superior ways to handle times of discomfort or disappointment that do not include expressing negative emotions.

5. There is nothing we can say to a tornado to make it stop spinning. The same holds true for when and what we should say to people caught in negative states. Usually, if left alone, the storm they are in just fades away because it runs out of mechanical energy.

couple of young people chained together over white

6. No place we walk can be any more meaningful or Light-filled than our awareness of ourselves in that place.

7. One reason people fear being alone is because they don’t understand its purpose. Nothing is wrong with you being alone.

8. Everything that happens to us is a reflection of us.

9. Put your attention on what you want in life, not on what you don’t want. Base your aim on spiritual aspiration, not physical ambition

10. Learning to be patient with the process that Spirit foments in us is a big part of learning what we are to do.

11. It is impossible to resist something and learn from it at the same time.

12. Fear is a lie; the same frightened self that seeks rescue secretly confirms its condition as being real with each of its plaintive calls for help.

13. It is impossible to bring an end to any emotional suffering by imagining some new joy. The self that is moved to do this kind of imagining does not understand that some unseen force of sorrow or distress fuels its dream-engine.

14. Real happiness is not an emotional sensation but a spiritual quality.

15. Stick with your wish to know the Truth of yourself and this same Truth will see to it that the experiences you need to better know. It will be brought to your door.

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